Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Insight derived from random associations using mp3 players

So, there I am. I just finished feeding (and cleaning up after) the dogs, and am about to settle in to watch Stripes on DVD, when I get a wild hair to check me some email. I do that now and again. Check email, I mean – not play with wild hairs (not that there’s anything wrong with that. Actually, it can be a lot of fun, depending on how wild that hair is. One time, when I was in college, this guy we called Barnfart on account of the vague odor of livestock which hung about him like a heavy pea coat, got this stupid idea to Vaseline the doorknobs throughout the dorm. The problem was, none of us had any Vaseline (we used saliva for our needs back then), so we had to improvise. Barnfart, who had already imbibed more than a few bowls of some puro indo, reasoned that there must be grease to lube the workings of the washing machines in the laundry rooms, so he went into one and began to dismantle a machine. Of course, as he was halfway through his destruction, the RA walks in to do a load. She sees Barnfart wedged behind the machine, giggling like a schoolgirl and assumes (rightly) that he’s totally wasted. By now, Barnfart has completely forgotten why he’s taking a washing machine apart, and when he hears the RA calling him, he tries to get out only to discover that he’s now trapped and can’t move. The RA, who is a bit of a hysteric, begins to panic, and in an act of desperation spurred by Barnfart's cries of panic and fear, pulls the fire alarm, figuring this would be the best way to summon help. Of course, this sets off a dorm-wide alarm, and students pour out of their rooms (many half-dressed), running for the fire exits. The sound of the alarm further panics Barnfart, who is now thrashing wildly behind the washing machine, causing damage to both him and it. The RA is pleading with him to remain calm, and that help is on the way, but Barnfart, now in the grips of the paranoia which normally accompanies a good high, thinks she’s narced him out, and that he’s looking at a long prison sentence, so he begins to cry. The RA, thinking he is seriously injured finally acts in desperation, and goes to get a broom to use as a lever. She positions it behind and underneath the washing machine, and, using Barnfart’s prone body as the fulcrum, starts to try and move the washing machine. As she works the broom, Barnfart wails in pain with each depression into his side. Of course, the RA doesn’t realize that the machine is bolted to the wall (to prevent idiot students from screwing around with it), but fortunately, the bracket holding it in place is weak, and after a few more tries (and a few more wails of anguish from Barnfart), she manages to tear the machine loose from the wall, and actually topples it over. At the same time the machine crashes to the floor, the broom handle breaks, and one of the shards grazes Barnfart, scratching him and drawing blood. By this time the Fire Dept arrives and finds Barnfart in a state of near psychotic breakdown, with a bloody scratch on his side, and the RA, sitting next to him, stroking his head and cooing soothing things into his ear. Around them is a broken broom, a few bits of washing machine guts, a machine lying on it’s side, and a wall with a huge gash from where the mounting bracket was bolted. After all was said and done, Barnfart was given a bandage, the RA was severely reprimanded for her performance in the whole matter (and not unexpectedly she wasn’t re-hired for the next quarter), and both Barnfart and the RA were billed for the cost of a new washing machine and the repairs to the wall.). So, I open my email and there is something from someone named Tim. I don’t know any Tim, so my first impulse is to just trash it. But it says Tagged as the subject line. Tagged? What kind of punk would do that? Tag a Monkey? Balls, I tell you. Huge swinging ones. So, I open it, knowing it was a dare. And what do I find? A threat. This swine tells me I have to do this thing where I use my mp3 player to try and bring some random association between song titles and answers to deep, probing philosophical questions.

Well, I’m all about the grand mysteries of life, and how seemingly unrelated and completely random events could often be combined in such a way as to bring clarity and purpose to my existence. It’s how I go about every day. I keep a random number generator in my desk drawer, and use it to determine my actions. It’s complex, but it works for me. Actually, there was a guy I knew when I was a kid whose mom was like that, only it was later found she was mentally ill.

Anyway, this is also grand justification to use the Zune I bought not two weeks ago. Yes, I said Zune. Screw all of you iPod clones. Here’s a bit of a splash of cold water on your ultra-hip attitudes: You can’t be a fiercely individualistic rebel if you have the same toy as millions and millions of other zombies, despite what those Apple commercials want you to think. You’re just another brick in the wall, son. Deal with it.

But I digress. Without any further ado, here are the "rules":

1. Set the mp3 player on Shuffle or Random.
2. Use the titles of the songs that play to answer the questions below.
3. Laugh at how silly some of the answers seem, scratch your head and look stupefied at how completely nonsensical some of the answers seem, and cower in fear and begin to believe in astrological coincidence and the elders of Cthulu at how accurate and prescient some of the answers seem.
4. Find other suckers and ask them to play as well.

=====================
1. IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
My Pal’s Name Is Foot-Foot – The Shaggs

2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
The Eton Rifles – The Jam

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Wouldn’t It Be Nice? – Beach Boys

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
El Ayudante – Mariachi Vargas

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
King’s Lead Hat – Brian Eno

6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Run Run Away - Slade

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Up on the Sun – Meat Puppets

8. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Isrealites – Desmond Dekker

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
(Stuck in a Pagoda with) Tricia Toyota – The Dickies

10. WHAT IS 2+2?
Joe’s Garage – Frank Zappa

11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Limelight - Rush

12. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
My Name Is Michael Caine - Madness

13. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Bhindi Bagee – Joe Strummer & the Mescaleros

14. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Market Square Heroes - Marillion

15. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Crawling To The USA – Elvis Costello

16. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Ruby Soho - Rancid

17. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Yellow Coat – Screamin’ Jay Hawkins

18. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Supernova – Liz Phair

19. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Common People – William Shatner

20. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Once Bitten Twice Shy – Ian Hunter

21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Zero Hour – The Plimsouls

22. WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS?
White Girl - X

Okay, so there it is. My contribution to this communal jerk off. I’m a bit surprised that more Elvis Costello didn’t show up on the list, as I have a considerable amount of his stuff, and very relieved that nothing overtly embarrassing popped up either. Yes, I have Saturday Night by the Bay City Rollers on my machine. Like you don’t have anything un-cool on yours. I do wish Rubber Band Man or Lowrider made it, though. Those songs are cool. But I am glad Slade made it. Gotta love the Noddy.

I’d go ahead and pick other geeks to play, but anyone I’d choose has already been hit by someone else. I don’t have many blogfriends. Come to think of it, I don’t have many real friends, either. Good thing I don’t mind spending my hours alone, in a dark corner of a cold, damp room. Friend! Friend!

Ook ook

12 comments:

Miz UV said...

Okay, that was fuckin' hilarious. You need to post more. Come on--don't you have any new rants about Bush? I know you do. I especially dig your funeral song.

Lucyp said...

very relieved that nothing overtly embarrassing popped up either.
I had to go back and make sure that i didn't actually see you list William Shatner singing Common People. I did. Oh dear.

I agree with miz uv, you really should post more often.

Raging Lunatic said...

Monkey withdrawal?
Check.
Abated?
Check.
I am also an anti-iPod person--bullocks to that propriety horse hockey. I just got a 4gb Samsung that is sweet. Still filling it, so I will have to return to this assignment once I'm properly armed.
And quit that out--that hibernating, that selfish dissing of your fans. Do it for the team, do it for the baby Jesus.

The Fez Monkey said...

UV: Hollow flattery is always appreciated, but I'm too old to fall for it any more. And I could rant about Bush all day, but all it would do is make me very very depressed. Thanks for bringing me down. Just because you cranked out 50K words in three weeks doesn't mean you can now bring pain to us mortals.

Lucy: Yes, Common People. Want to be really scared? That's not the only Shat I got. Several selections from Transformed Man are on my player as well. You haven't lived til you've heard the Shat recite the speech outside the gates of Halfleur from Henry V.

RL: Good for you for avoiding the iPod-people (how's that for a clever modified Sci-Fi reference). I was looking hard at a Sansa player when I saw the Zune for dirt cheap. And I make the baby jeebus cry all the time, so it's best I stay Stum.

Ook ook

O' Tim said...

It's amazing to see how high the monkey goes when some asshole sez "jumps, monkey!"

Lucy beat me on giving you shit for Shat, though I maintain you haven't lived until you've heard Kirk's version of "Taxi," after which one can die in relative peace knowing there will be a lower depth of hell than the one they may or may not be heading toward.

So the dice roll on No. 3 was very sweet of you, and I always knew No. 10 was a truth, what with a couple quarts of beer and a Stratocaster with a whammy bar and all.

The Fez Monkey said...

It's amazing to see how high the monkey goes when some asshole sez "jumps, monkey!"

So, taking credit for my work, eh, Tim? I always knew you were a swine. I see Mark was right about you all along. I'm going to run right over to his site and beg him to be my bestest and biggest blogfriend so he can call you names. Nyah.

Ook ook

O' Tim said...

Do watcha gotta do, white girl.

Joe the Troll said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who knows where Once Bitten, Twice Shy came from. Most people give credit for that song to those idiot pyromaniacs that roasted their audience.

IB said...

* Cries *

Monkey done forget all about me after all that time I done spent petting it

Ah well. s'for the best. I never liked them tag things anyway.

... IB

ps I know I took down my blog, but just thought I'd see if I could guilt you anyway.

The Fez Monkey said...

Yeah, IB - I only tag those with active pages, and who don't suddenly turn them into invite-only places to which I am not invited.

Nice try on the guilt, but it's too easy. I am Catholic, after all.

Ook ook

Joe the Troll said...

I've read that one million monkeys with one million typewrites could eventually write a blog post, but I don't know if that's true or not.

Biggie-Z said...

FM,

kboo from Epinions here. I was poking around Eps** and decided to see if you had another web presence. I have a blog too. Hope to see you around - and maybe see some additions to this one?

kboo/LawyerChick

**I always haunt my old, pre-9/11 stomping grounds when it gets to be that time of year.