Oh, Those Wacky Catholics!

Tonight I am going to finally be finished with my xmas gift swap. I know, it’s late. But there’s a whole thing behind it involving drama, a bitter wife, some innocent mispronounciations of words, pomegranate jelly, questions of inbreeding, the source of the nile, the curse of the jade monkey, and a whole lot of pride. Actually, it's not unlike many bloguments (like that term? I think I created it, so anyone using it has to give me full credit)

Anyway, one of the gifts I am giving to my friend (who is married to the bitter wife mentioned above) is a special rosary which the MonkeyWife and I found at some Catholic supply store in Cambria. Another long story, not worth getting into right now. The rosary itself is actually very nice, with polished beads and a bit of wax from a candle used during a mass said by Pope JP2. That may not seem like a big deal to you, but for firebreathing Catholics (like my friend) it's about as big as it can get. Perhaps the only thing bigger would be a piece of the true cross, or maybe a preserved finger of some saint or other.

My kind of pope!

But I digress. (As an aside, I would never get anything from Pope Benny - nee Ratzhitler – he isn’t my kinda Pontiff).

Not my kind of pope

Anyway, thinking about this gift reminded of the rosary said for my uncle’s funeral, about a month ago.

For those of you who don’t know anything about the bizarre Catholic ritual, here is a very quick and dirty Catechism for you. The rosary (verb) is a special mass usually said when someone dies. It's not a funeral per se, but part of the entire funereal cavalcade of whimsy. The rosary (noun) is a string of beads, with a cross. There are five groups of ten small beads which are separated by a larger bead. The beads are there to keep your place while reciting the various prayers – the Hail Mary’s (small beads) and the Our Father’s (large beads). Each time you say one, you move on to the next bead so you can keep your place, because if you lose count around the 37^th Hail Mary, you damn well don’t want to start over.

Say "Hail Mary" 50 times real fast

So, there we were in this little chapel. The priest begins the recitation of the Hail Mary, saying the first part aloud, followed by those of us in attendance muttering the second part as softly as possible. We aren’t Southern Baptists by a long shot. Anyway, he finishes the first Hail Mary and begins the second. Then the third, etc. By the time he’s on the sixth, the MonkeyWife (who continues to be befuddled by the whole Catholic thing) elbows me in the ribs, and looks at me with a puzzled expression:

Fez Monkey: What’s wrong?
MonkeyWife: Why's he saying this again?
FM: What do you mean?
MW: He’s done this prayer like five times already. Is he stuck?
FM: No, he’s doing the first round of ten.
MW: First round of ten?!?
FM: Yeah.
MW: How many rounds are there?
FM: Five.
MW: Five?
FM: Yeah.
MW: Five rounds of ten?
FM: Yeah.
MW: We have to say this thing 50 times??
FM: For a full rosary, yeah.
MW: Boy, that Mary is a demanding woman.

Ook ook.