God Hates Duke

In an earlier effort (one that sparked a confusing but evidently passionate bit of chest pounding), I had popped off about how absurd I thought the whole athletes and entertainers praising The Jesus is. I then went on to mention that The Jesus must not have much of a jump shot, since his bible-sucking boys from Oral Roberts University got whipped in the opening round game of the NCAA tournament like unrepentant heathens during the Spanish Inquisition.

Nobody Expects It

But, it seems that while The Jesus suffers from white-boy basketball affliction, his dad is a bit of a fan. After all, how else can you explain Duke getting faced in prime time by a pack of barely literate Cajuns from Baton Rouge?

It was sublime. The clean-cut, all-American darlings of the media, lead by JJ Reddick (one of this year’s “great white hopes” for the future of basketball) couldn’t seem to handle the pressure and intensity of a bunch of bumpkins. This was not what people who voted for Nixon were happy to see. Duke is their team, and they are the people who really run the country. Yalies may get elected, but Dukies pull the strings. Seeing their beloved team get tossed aside like a used condom doesn’t sit well. Duke was the overall number one seed – teams like that don’t get upset in the Sweet 16. Especially not by some state school.

Yet there it was, happening before the nations eyes. Dick Vitale was openly weeping, telling anyone who would listen that this was an atrocity. Duke’s coach, that sniveling rat-faced geek, was in a mad panic. As the seconds ticked off the clock, you could see him slowly imploding, face becoming more pinched.

Man or Rat?

You could almost see his incisors lengthen, and whiskers spring from his cheeks. His eyes no longer able to focus, he appeared to be frantically looking for some cheese, no longer interacting with his team. The game was lost, and he had given up.

It was clear that God was tired of Duke and their fans. The hubris that swaggered on the court wearing the white with blue trim was given a harsh slap in the face. Evidently wrath has changed a bit since the old testament. Back then, God would have rained sulfur or engaged in a bit of genocide to show His displeasure. Now he just makes petulant, privileged rich kids cry.

Waaaaaaah!

I may need to search for my rosary, and head back to church.

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