The following is an unexpurgated transcript of email communication between me and Duende, an old friend of mine.
This may explain why I don't have many friends.
Make of these what you will ... I just felt like sharing.
Ook ook
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From: Fez Monkey
Sent: Thursday, March 23, 2006 11:29 AM
To: Duende; Eggs
Subject: V Showtimes
"V For Vendetta" is playing this Sat at the theater place in beautiful downtown CC -- I figure we can all agree that seeing it there is preferable to battling idiots and swine what have no manners nor common sense at the Bridge.
Sure … the reviews have been tepid at best, but Christ, who are we to let pointy-headed artsnobblers dictate what we watch? The path to revolution starts now. Throw the gauntlet of defiance, and let’s see this damned thing.
Showtimes are: 1, 1:45, 2:15, 4:05, 4:45
The cost is $7.50
Ook ook
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From: Duende
To: Fez Monkey; Eggs
Sent: Friday, March 24, 2006 7:31 AM
Subject: RE: V Showtimes
Newsflash:
I have heard rumblings that our chubby little Tex is celebrating another Herpes-filled year on this Earth. As I endeavor to make the wife as miserable as she makes me, I have to be available to brood and despoil any fete she may be invited to (of course I will not be invited, but when did that ever stop your humble narrator) this weekend. When I asked the Magic 8-ball if I will be going to the movies with you this weekend, it said “Answer hazy, ask again later”. I just wanted to keep you in-the-loop, as the Anglos say.
Is my work never done?
BF
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From: Fez Monkey
Sent: Friday, March 24, 2006 9:52 AM
To: Duende; Eggs
Subject: Re: V Showtimes
So, Miri made it through another year? I guess the deleterious effect of STDs are greatly exaggerated – although that oozing boil on the side of her face indicates she may only be drawing breath for another few months. Screw her. Whoring around carries a stiff cost nowadays, and a throbbing, pulsating, pus-filled scab on her cheek is getting off cheap. I hope she tackles you from behind and drips some of her discharge on you.
You're the eternal optimist, you pig. I'm counting you as good as dead for Saturday. Your flowery verse and stupid insistence on searching for a silver lining are nauseating. Strings have been pulled and wheels are in motion. Have fun with the hicks, you traitor. The most to hope for at this point is that you start drinking the moment you wake up, and reach a level of belligerence reminiscent of your wilder, younger days by the time the first of the barefoot hillbillys make their way to this shindig. You’d better be armed as well, honest, god fearing white people aren’t fond of you brown-faces, and it’s a good bet that you’ll be doing a fine jig at the end of a rope before the sun sets. But then it serves you right, for daring to despoil such an event with your colored-ness.
I would weep for you, but I don't find wasting tears on one who makes his own bed to be of any value.
Shalom, you oily bastard.
Ook ook
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From: Duende
To: Fez Monkey; Eggs
Sent: Friday, March 24, 2006 10:36 AM
Subject: RE: V Showtimes
Remember: the Lord Jesus also arose from the dead to save us all – as I may do for you bums.
Pax
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From: Fez Monkey
Sent: Friday, March 24, 2006 11:10 AM
To: Duende; Eggs
Subject: Re: V Showtimes
Isn’t it just like one of you heathens to take the name of our lord and savior in vain, soiling it with your inferiority.
People like you should be hogtied, suspended from a great height, and beaten with sticks like a piñata on general principles. Your continued mockery of the inherent superiority of the white man’s culture is astounding. But you’ll learn. I recommend you practice standing with your back against the wall, as come helter skelter that’s where you’ll be.
Nyam-Mo-Ho-Renge-Kyo
Ook ook
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From: Duende
Sent: Friday, March 24, 2006 2:02 PM
To: Fez Monkey; Eggs
Subject: Re: V Showtimes
Hey – after I vomit on Saturday, will you be free? I figure I will need many beers to wash the taste of all those ignorant crackers out of my mouth. You know how annoying it can be spending too much time with white people. I will have much pent up rage, and will need someone to beat on, and you and our resident semite will do nicely. I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger, as it is the time of the people of the sun.
Be prepared for some serious hurt, gabacho.
Si se puede, youse mugs.
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4 comments:
Movies are only $7.50 where you live?
Matinee ... did I forget to mention that?
Ook ook
On the plus side, you can still get REAL Whitbread Ale, something I haven't seen here in over ten years.
I wish I hadn't thought of that, because now I want some........
I'm getting sick of good imports being "bought" by American companies and then ruined. I used to like Killian's, too. One day I saw that it was much cheaper than usual, so assuming that it was on sale, I got it. As I was pouring the first one, I noticed that it wasn't RED anymore. Looking at the label, I saw that it was now made by COORS. "AAAARRRRGHHH!!!", I said. I haven't had one since.
At least homebrewers can get Whitbread yeast. I can make something *similar* but not quite the same.
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